Eight(8) Strong Things About Masturbation You Should Know

  • 1. There is no way that you can masturbate so much that you will never be able to enjoy sex with a live human person. I guess there’s the idea you’ll get so good at getting yourself off that no one else can ever match it, but someone else touching you is always better than you touching you. It just is.

    2. It’s not some weird thing that only creepy perverts do in alleys while wearing dirty nightgowns. Your librarian masturbates (probably among the stacks), your doctor masturbates (hopefully nowhere nearby), and all your friends masturbate (possibly while texting you weird GIFs because multitasking is important in today’s modern world). They just do.

    3. If you can’t make yourself come by masturbating, that doesn’t mean you are doomed for life. Plus how the eff are you supposed to figure out how to do it when we’re all basically told this next one’s true…

    4. No, you’re not supposed to use your fingers as a mini penis ramming into your vagina. Most women can’t even come by penetration only from a regular-size penis, let alone this 3-inch dick finger, so yeah, that’s a road to nowhere.

    5. It still totally counts as masturbating if you’re just playing with your vulva for hours while watching TV sans orgasm-fest. If you’re touching yourself and enjoying it, it doesn’t matter that you didn’t have eight explosive orgasms. Honestly, I’ve had orgasms via masturbating before and I didn’t enjoy the masturbation part of it that much (I guess my heart wasn’t in it) so don’t let that be the defining thing that makes it “count.”

    6. Masturbating even though you have a boyfriend doesn’t make you a cheating skank. First of all, skanks are not a thing, and second of all, everyone masturbates (see no. 2). Even if you love the person you’re dating and they always get you off, blah, blah, blah, they’re still masturbating and you can be too. If you need to work them into the equation, go for it. But if you need to keep thinking about Chris Pine for your own reasons (like reasons 1 through 12: Chris Pine), that’s chill too.

    7. Using sex toys doesn’t make you bad at doing it yourself. Just because you can’t get off unless you’re using sex toys doesn’t mean you’re the world’s worst masturbator. Plus, real talk: Sex toys will almost always trump hands. They just will. Especially when it’s midnight and you’re really tired and you don’t feel like doing multitasking circus tricks, but still want to get off super quickly so you can go to sleep already. That said…

    8. You can still masturbate even if you don’t have some top-of-the-line, Triple G-Spot Orgasm Monster Sex Toy From Outer Space 3000. Spend a day figuring out what works with your hands, the world’s free-est sex toy ever. (Though it is not dishwasher-safe, you guys. I’ve tried.)


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